Tuesday, September 30, 2014

California Man Suing Spotify for Wrongful Conception


Winnetka, CA. The Los Angeles County Superior Court will be seeing a rather bizarre case this Thursday, as Winnetka resident Nicholas Sampson is suing music streaming service Spotify Ltd. for wrongful conception, seeking a five-million dollar settlement.

Charges were filed in April when Sampson and his now-pregnant girlfriend Monica Lester inadvertently conceived their son, citing that a “very, very loud advertisement” caused Sampson to ejaculate prematurely. Said the music licensing agent, “This is a terribly awkward situation. Monica and I were making love, playing our usual love-making setlist we had created on Spotify. I don’t have enough to pay for the non-advertisement Spotify membership. Those ad things are so fucking loud. Like, the music was at a good level, but twenty minutes in, an ad for Allstate came on. Dennis Haysbert’s voice scared the shit out of me, and then it happened.”

Veteran entertainment attorney Miguel Hernandez spoke out on behalf of his client: “What Mr. Sampson is going through is incredibly unfair, and legal action must be taken. Last year I represented a woman who sharted her pants on the way to a very important business meeting; Spotify was found responsible for airing a Smirnoff ad at 118.6 decibels over her car radio system.”


Neither Spotify nor Dennis Haysbert could be reached for comment. Judge Judith Hendermann will be presiding over the case this Thursday.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

White College Girl Drinks Alcohol, Doesn’t Make It a Big Deal


Northeastern University, Friday April 25th. The private research university, located at the crossroads of the vivacious Back Bay and Mission Hill neighborhoods in Boston, is full of bittersweet celebrations for the end of finals week and many a “so long ‘til September” to classmates and friends.

It is not uncommon for American students to celebrate to their fullest potential a few more times before returning to their dreadful, sadistic, offensively underpaying summer jobs chock-full of irate McDonald’s customers and obese mothers-of-seven attempting to locate the grocery section at Wal-Mart.

It seemed like any other final Friday of the semester before the campus cleared out for summer session, but junior Samantha McCarthy was one exception: she consumed alcohol at a party, without voluntarily notifying any non-present friends via social media or texting.

A 2011 study conducted at The University of Washington in Seattle concluded that 98.4 percent of white female American college students “find it ‘highly important to imperative’” to let friends know that they are consuming alcohol. Said the Communications major, “I don’t know what happened. Normally, I text all my friends, send Snap Chat videos, and tweet about it. I just literally like to tell everyone I can. And I usually call a couple friends to tell them that I’m drinking. But this time, I just didn’t feel like it, you know? Like, I literally didn’t even.”

McCarthy underwent psychiatric evaluation at the university’s Health and Counseling Services the following Monday. The psychiatrist could not be reached for comment.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Your Piss: A Multi-multiversal Journey


            I have reason to believe that every urinary action is subject to unfathomably complex space-time travel. I will begin this discussion by explaining a few terms that I will be using frequently in this essay. First, “meatus” is the proper anatomical name for the hole at the end of the penis. It is not to be confused with the urethra, which is the tube-like structure that leads to the meatus. Additionally, “multiverse” refers to all universes – some experts theorize that there are in fact more than one universe, so I’d like to cover all my bases – in our observable collection of universes, if there are more than one. Finally, a “negative multiverse” refers to those universes that comprise a multiverse other than ours. Necessarily, our observable multiverse may not belong to the negative multiverse; it is similar to the concept of matter versus anti-matter. Consider it an anti-multiverse. Let us begin with the anatomical aspects of this matter.
            In short, during the urination process, the urine exits the bladder, in which it is stored until excretion, via the urethra. At the end of the urethra is the small slit, or “dick hole,” to which others may more crassly refer – the meatus. The interesting thing about the meatus is that it is simply a slit; it is not part of the urethra. In other words, it is simply a one-dimensional line, and if one were to “open” it, for lack of a better word, the urethra would be exposed. So here’s where it gets tricky: the meatus, as stated, is a one-dimensional line. An infinitesimally small distance further into it is the urethra; conversely, an infinitesimally small distance further out of it is open air, or no longer part of the human subject at hand. This fact is important to remember: it is a one-dimensional line, meaning it only has length. No width, height, or depth. If one were to “open” it, one would observe the urethra, not the “inside” of the meatus, as there is none. It is geometrically the same thing as drawing a line with a pencil on a piece of paper.
            The metaphysical implications of this begin to defy all intuition. It seems that the meatus, unlike anything else that exists, only exists in certain dimensions in our multiverse.
  • In the 0th dimension, it exists: it does so necessarily because it exists in the 1st dimension, as explained previously.
  • In the 1st dimension, it exists: as explained previously; it only has a length of finite value.
  • It does not exist in the 2nd dimension: to do so, it requires a width.
  • It also does not exist in the 3rd dimension: to do so, it requires a depth or height.
  • It exists in all succeeding dimensions beginning with the 4th dimension, though I will modestly admit that humans may never know just how many dimensions exist. Nevertheless, the true number does not matter in this case.
How can the meatus exist in some dimensions and not in others? It is my belief that it does exist in all dimensions, though perhaps just not in our observable dimensions and multiverse. For something to exist, it must do so in all dimensions; it may not be exempt from any. Therefore, it is my hypothesis that the meatus exists in the 2nd and 3rd dimensions of the negative multiverse, or negative 2nd and negative 3rd dimensions. To recap, in the example of the meatus, dimensions 0 and 1 are positive, 2 and 3 are negative, and 4 onward are once again positive.
            What does this mean about a given urinary process? It means that the very instant the urine reaches the last, ultimate point of the urethra – “point” here being the absolute final location in a three-dimensional space – it travels from our multiverse (dimensions zero through the final one, whatever it may be) to the 2nd and 3rd dimensions of the negative multiverse, and again back to our multiverse (zero through final dimension) at the absolute first point that exits the body. To rephrase, the urine travels to the final point of the urethra, skips the points (“line-points;” geometric “points”) that compose the meatus via the negative dimensions, and returns to the very next point succeeding the meatus. I will illustrate this process thusly:

  Urethra     |     [Open Air
    -->  -->  -->   .    -->  -->  -->  

Arrows represent flow of urine
Dot and straight line represent meatial line-points, or meatus

            In conclusion, since the urine exists, and must travel from the bladder to open air (excretion), it must travel through all dimensions during its journey; it may not exist in only some dimensions, similar to the meatus, or any other observable “thing.” The urine, a three-dimensional subject, may not simply pass through a line – the meatus – due to geometric and physical laws. In addition, though the meatus does not exist in our 2nd or 3rd dimension, it does so in the respective dimensions of the negative multiverse. Finally, I hope this essay will inspire you, dear reader, to think and ponder more profoundly about everyday events that may seem inherently simple, for the simplest thing may actually turn out to be an inspirationally complex multiversal journey.